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Last update: December 10, 2009 – 9:56 PM

I don’t like to complain about the cold, because it’s like getting a job at a slaughterhouse and whining that your white shirt is just ruined at the end of the day.

We live in Minnesota, and half the year our weather is either cold now or probably cold tomorrow. You know what you’re in for, soldier; suck it up. But should evolution suddenly produce a hardy Asian carp capable of bursting through the ice and going for your throat, and they only attack in January, you will not be allowed to say, “Oh, I hate our winters, and the jugular-ripping airborne carp” because according to some that’s part of life up here in the land of sky-blue water. In fact we would soon include the carp in our winter sporting traditions; real men would sit on the lake cradling rifles, waiting for the first carp of the season.

Yes, this is who we are: blue-lipped and shivering, but bearing up with stoic pride. Or, dead from exposure; it varies. I am particularly loath to complain because according to a history of North Dakota pioneers, my great-grandfather got lost in a blizzard while bringing in the bovines, and had to spend the night inside an expired cow. Ever have one of those nights in a strange place where you wake up and can’t quite remember where you are? I cannot possibly imagine thinking oh, right, tucked up in old Bessie.

Sleeping in a cow sets the standard for winter discomfort, as far as I’m concerned, and puts a little snow down the collar into perspective. But in the interest of complete disclosure and honesty, let us admit something:

1. It really is sad when a squirrel falls out of a tree and shatters.

2. You wish the weather people didn’t have to use the term “marrow-aching” for the wind.

3. We like feeling most of our fingers — not all of them; don’t want to get uppity and feel we deserve 10-finger feelin’, but seven, eight? They come in handy.

4. How about we don’t do this for the next five months straight?

If you read the comments on startribune.com for winter-storm stories, you’ll find wildly divergent opinions. Of course, a news story on the historic origins of rock-paper-scissors usually turns into a political flamewar in 10 comments, but weather stories seem to bring out a special kind of scorn. The news media are either guilty of hyping the storm — also known as “passing along the predictions of the National Weather Service” — or guilty of talking about this at all. It’s a storm, it’s snow, it’s cold, big deal. In one sense, I agree; anything under 3 feet should probably be treated as a second- or third-tier story.

On the other hand, should we not warn the customers that an enormous mass of killer cold is bearing down on our state? In Florida the air has to do something before it’s deadly; it has to form a hurricane, and even then it has to drop something on your head. Here the air can kill you just by being what it is. You go outside naked when it’s 8 below, stand there for a good while, and the air will just up and kill you. This is not how most people regard air, but we’re used to it. Allow us to hype it a little, OK?

Compromise: No one should complain about snow. We should rejoice in our bounteous crop, hail our winter wonderland holiday appearance, think of it as “hibernating rain.” Cold is different. Cold hurts. Cold does not build character.

Cold builds resolve, though; I’ll give it that much. As in: I resolve to be cremated. I may die here, but when it’s done I’ll be warm. And if someone drops the urn because his fingers are numb, well, that’s life in Minnesota. Bundle up.

Much as it pains me to say this, I have to admit it … my Democrat friends were right.

They told me if I voted for McCain the nation’s hope would deteriorate, and sure enough, there has been a 20 point drop in the Consumer Confidence Index since the election, reaching a lower point than any time during the Bush administration.

They told me if I voted for McCain the US would become more deeply embroiled in the Middle East, and now, tens of thousands of additional troops are scheduled to be deployed into Afghanistan .

My Democrat Party friends told me if I voted for McCain that the economy would get worse, and sure enough, unemployment is approaching 9.5% and the stimulus packages that were implemented sent the stock market lower than at any time since the Islamic Terrorists attacks of 9-11.

They told me if I voted for McCain we would see more “crooks” in high ranking positions in federal government, and sure enough, several recent cabinet nominees and Senate appointments revealed resumes of scandal, bribery and tax fraud.

They told me if I voted for McCain we would see more “pork at the trough” in federal government, and sure enough, some 17,500 “Pork Bills” have showed up in Congress since January 2009. I was also told by my Democrat friends that if I voted for McCain we would see more deficit spending in Washington D..C., and sure enough, President Obama spent more in just 30 days than all other Presidents together in the entire history of the USA.

Well, I voted for McCain in November anyway, and my Democrat friends were right … all of their predictions have come true!

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Pictured below is the layout of our new system

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it.

Let your next action reveal your true self .